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 Arranged Vs Love marriage

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koolsadhu1000

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Fri May 20, 2011 8:16 pm

Nice article umi ......Thanks sweetie .

pallai once u cross 25 , u start hardening . Yes , many 25 27 year old do have nice arranged marraiges but an equal amoubt also face tremendous problem due to non adjusting stances . That girl u say may have run away due to immaturity but its easier to mould in younger age than older age . I married at 20 .......so did Hope . I was way different at 27 and 3o .I dont think I cud have adjusted to half the things at that age when I look at my marraige in retrospect .

Yes I agree ........in current scenario ..25 27 is best . What to do , education etc itself is such .No option . But over 30 becomes very hard to adjust .

I agree about everything simply falls in place in an arranged marraige . No need to get scared . All falls in place .
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swati

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 3:22 am

Very nice story Umi Very Happy So cute Smile It describes the innocent love Smile

Wow Exclamation Loved reading everyone's views Very Happy

I would like to say something Smile I cant think so deeply as i dont know much Very Happy but would try to express Embarassed

Adjustment is the main aspect of marriage , whether love or arrange , girl and boy needs to adjust to each other's likings and dislikings Very Happy
If even a single person is not able to adjust, marriage becomes miserable pale
So for any marriage to survive maturity needs to be there in both the parties Smile

Marriages fail and survive be it love or arrange Neutral Luck,love,understanding,ability to adjust also plays important part Very Happy
If a gal or boy has adjusting nature then the marriage but survives but if either of the two is not willing to adjust only then love or arrange, marriage turns to a disaster Sad

Well at this age i prefer love marriage.. May be my views would change later but now it is love Very Happy
Love is the most important part of life Very Happy A marriage without love is very boring Neutral
Yes we can fall in love even after marriage but what if we dont affraid What if we remain only attached and not in love with him or her Shocked
In love marriages we know the person, his family knows us , we are comfortable with each other Smile So life after marriage becomes easy Neutral Purely my opinion Very Happy

On a lighter note " A known Namuna is better than an unknown Namuna " Laughing lol!
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Putturani



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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 4:37 am

Well obviously I am not married so read my views with that in mind. I don't agree that arranged marriage is more stable than love marriage. Certainly it is less UNSTABLE but since marriage is a coming together of two families, I doubt you can ever call it stable. I have seen both love and arranged marriages fail and succeed. In an arranged marriage elders take care of the "hard factors" such as religion, caste, income level, kundali etc. etc. In love marriages the individuals think they take care of the "soft factors" like love and attraction. But the truth is, can you ever really be sure of anything? I know so many people who have faked their kundalis to better their marriage prospects. In a love marriage, the real face of one or both partners comes out after marriage. So both come with their uncertainties.

I personally don't mind either, love or arranged but I think either extreme is bad. You cannot live only on love nor can you expect someone in this day and age to get married to someone they barely know. In our family even when the marriage is "arranged" the bride and groom are given a chance to get to know each other a little bit before the wedding.

Most people on this forum seem to be in favour of arranged marriages. But love marriages are not created equal. Let me talk about two cases I know.

Case 1: Blind love

This Eastern European girl I know has fallen for an Indian boy Y who imo is completely unsuitable for her. She is only 18 but she plans to marry this guy very soon. Nothing matches - she is upper middle-class, he lives in a council flat; she is educated in an international school, he has barely any education and is in a very low-paying job with little future prospects. He has responsibility of entire family on his head, including a mentally unstable mother. Lots of people have told her to reconsider but she is adamant that she truly loves him and that is enough. this is what I would call blind love. Love alone is not enough! Of course, their love could be true and it might be a great match but... I don't know what to think! Sometimes I feel so bad and snobbish for thinking like this and at other times I feel practical. *shrug* Neutral

Case 2:

Another boy and girl that I know met and instantly felt a deep connection which developed into a strong friendship. These guys are focusing more on education than marriage but if they do end up together, it might be called a "love marriage". But they are from the same community and they get along well with each other's family. What's more, even their kundalis match perfectly (36 gunas matching!!) So although I am not quite sure what true love like Polki describes is, I am inclined to think that this could be it. But what I think is, if it's really meant to be, both the hard factors (like community and kundalis) and soft factors (like "connection") will fall into place. Of course that is an idealistic view. Embarassed

Anyway like Swati said, adjustment is key and both sides need to be willing to adjust to make it work. And you need to enter determined to make it work. That's why I hate prenuptial agreements.
Evil or Very Mad Ultimately love and arranged marriage is not important, what is important is the attitude of the individuals.
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swati

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 6:53 am

Hey Puttu nice stories !!! Smile

Well I dont know what being in love means because i have yet not experienced it Very Happy I am happy loving my heroes Laughing
But one thing i know is both the marriages can be stable as well as unstable Smile
I have seen many arrange marriages getting destroyed as well as love marriage getting successfull Neutral

Let me share something
My mother's friend's daughter got married to a very nicè family Smile The boy was very educated and they were from upper middle class Smile
But when she started her life she had worst experiences Mad He had an affair..
Marriage was arranged, parents had done their work but her life was destroyed Sad

Another thing,
My friend's elder sister had love marriage, she went against her parents wishes and eloped with him Neutral He was from different caste Neutral
Today she has one daughter, her parents rely on their SIL for every decision.. She is happy Smile

Same with my cousin Smile She had love marriage but yes Jiju is from same caste Smile Well he is gem as a person Very Happy

So i still believe Love can help us to struggle in life Smile If marriage doesnt contain love , life becomes like compulsion Neutral We somewhere fail to enjoy our life Smile
My POV of course Smile
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anu rulz

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 11:31 am

hey all..well i believe tht marriages work wen both are ready to compromise and adjust..whether arranged or love..if ur getting into a promise as huge as a marriage,thn u have to be prepared to work on it inspite everything..the only diff is tht in a love marriage,u have urself to blame and in arranged,ur parents.. Twisted Evil
my parents have had a arranged marriage and being two very strong personalities,they have seen huge ups and downs..times wen it used to get so bad,i used to think "separate and live in peace already",selfish of me,bt u see i was dumb to not see the support they gave each other wen needed,forgetting all their problems..wen i was a kid i used to think arranged marriages dnt work coz the parties dnt know the basic nature of each other..u wudnt know the basic flaws to which u cant adjust..bt as i grew up and wisened up,i realised the same issue lies even in love marriages if u look at the world thru rosy tinted glasses and REFUSE to see ur partner's faults.."love" as people generally see it,like kools said is mostly attraction..and people have very wierd ideas of love frankly..i have been immensely lucky to be wid a guy who RESPECTS me..tht for me was the most important thing..and still is..i know his family is a gamble which i understand,bt they are educated and have given him such morals and principles which i admire,so am thinking it cnt be intolerable,bt its the same even in an arranged marriage..i have heard horror stories of really well reputed families ending up torturing the girl for trivial issues..its a gamble,both cases..and maturity frm both parties is essential..MIL issues are universal,i guess,coz every single married friend or relative i have spoken to,sings the same song..sum things never change,i guess..whether love or arranged.. Rolling Eyes
i lean more towards love marriages,IF they are fixed wid open eyes..i know a cousin who knew the guy since a good 8 years,and was one of the most adjusting girls i knew,bt her marriage went kaput within a yr or so citing rage issues on her husband's part..and frankly i dnt know HOW sumthng like this is not noticed in almost a decade..one cnt pretend for so long,can he?i dnt know..i found it sad and wierd really..now tho she is happily married again wid an adorable son..
plus,other vices,one gets to know if u are wid a person for a longer time,according to me..esp if ur in the same educational or work place,provided again tht u keep ur eyes and mind open to it..friends,if u hear thm out,tell u a lot of things tht u dnt notice..and it might just save u a lifetime of misery..friends generally have an aura for bullshit,which is lost in a person in the initial phase of attraction..in spiritual terms,called a "kalyan mitra"..very important person in ur life..
the main problem as i see,is blind expectations frm ur partner..and at the same time,not being able to see HIS/HER expectations frm u..its a two way street..if u have sum vision of ur future,even ur spouse does..one has to sit and find the middle road..i cnt say "i want my space" and not give him his..THT is the issue youngsters nowadays have..and the downfall of all..EGO..whether male or female,its bad..same goes for In-Law issues..u plan to pit ur spouse btwn his/her parents and u,thn be prepared for fireworks,he/she will agree wid u atmost 50% of the times,u cnt crib abt it later..deal wid each relation SEPARATE frm the other..this is sumthng i learnt frm another married friend of mine,who got this advice frm her mum..and i found it very very sensible..
most of my parents' generation are arranged marriages and most of my friends/cousins are love marriages..believe me,they sound exactly the same..lol...and the successful ones are those which have tht tact and sensibility to understand how and wen to adjust,control ur anger and ur ego.. Idea
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swati

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Ufff...reading so mature views on a big promise and compromise called marriage, i am getting affraid of it affraid Shocked
I have come to a conclusion, be it love or arrange , marriages are risky Rolling Eyes No
Thank God i still have 6 to 7 years for my marriage Smile i will enjoy my life till then cheers queen

Reading everybody's views, experiences i now know that " Life is very different and difficult than i thought" No

Kool di and Hope di , thank you for creating this blog Smile ( a big hug)
I love this forum I love you
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polki_zofi



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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 1:25 pm

What happens if you get into a complete blind "arranged marriage" and discover that your man had an affair which he couldn't completely get out of, or might never be able to? ... what if you discover that he is not really "brave" enough to be someone who stands for the right? Would live be fulfilling? Smile

Can it be all about social security? I know that this part matters alot to maintain a home ... but are these what makes a home?

Marriages are all about respect and love I feel, with sincerity towards it ... and sincerity is the foundation of all affections. Without sincerity, any affection can fall apart ... even the one which binds a mother and a child.

Theories work? ...

I think its more about a little effort in being reasonably alert, sincere, PLUS lots of luck and GOD's support (parent's are also a component of God's support, and those who have a working family should avail it).

You cannot really move away and let things be made out for you in this increasingly changing world. Times HAVE changed ... and the methods of our ancestors will only work with with revamp by us. It is call of the time.

I posted one already here ... it was enough about my mind Very Happy ... but still Smile ... I wished to say a little more.

Knowing the person you marry, trying to figure out a personality is not a sure failure, neither a sure success ... but it does make you more able in life to be able to learn and to be able to take things on. Expectations of blessings can be made from God, but when we start expecting too much from humans, then its a desire.

Expect from your own senses and how you matured them ... that your choices will not diverge just on the appeal of the words ... but the soul within.

TRUST and HOPE Smile ... and don't let go of the hands of those who love you ... because if you slip they will support you ... and if you don't you will add a new and very precious hand to the chain of support which is necessary for everyone you love and everyone who loves you Smile ...

Not everyone is fortunate ... but it doesn't mean that blessings are impossible. Try...
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koolsadhu1000

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 4:06 pm

Love is the most important part of life A marriage without love is very boring
Yes we can fall in love even after marriage but what if we dont

And what if the 'LOVE" in a so called love marraige goes away after the marraige ..........then WHAT ? Is there ANY guarantee that the LOVE will remain ?

What is LOVE ?

Does it remain forever or is it transitory ?

The concept of LOVE is subjective from person to person . Here in America I have seen couples in LOVE even after divorcing each other . U won't believe it , but sometimes people DIVORCE not coz they HATE each other but coz they SACRIFICE by letting go . There r instances where the Wife needs to move on in her career etc .........and the husband understandingly lets go . LOVE is very very subjective .

Then there are couples who cootchie coo before marraige and as anu rulz said , divorce AFTER 8 years of going out with each other . in the example she gave the man had rage issues that he kept concealed effectively for 8 years but once they lived toghether , the equation changed .

Then where did the lOVE go ? Was there anything called LOVe in the first place ?

I personally do NOT believe in LOVE at all . Thers no such thing . I believe only in humanity . Thats the only true emotion in ALL human beings . The more the degree of humanity , the better chances of a marraige surviving .

There is only a hierachy of needs in a human being's life that needs to be satisfied ...........First the need of parents , then need of partner , then children , then something more , like the search of God .

It is we who have hyped LOVE . Call me cynical if u want to but thats my firm belief .

Both marraiges .........arranged and Love r lotteries . Luck factor plays a big role .Yet I opt for the former .........why ?

Polki asked ........is security the only thing on which a marraige should be based ?

I say YES . An insecure LOVE marraige is worthless , it does not survive .. Even in a so called love marraige if u make ur choice by keeping security factor in ur mind , that marraige has greater chance of succeeding . If u see to it that the guy u fall in love with doesnt drink , flirt around , is a good provider , ur marraige will succeed .

If u fall 'in love' with his hero looks only , and ignore his past history of shuffling from job to job , u miss the obvious warning signs of LOSER and ur marraige starts cracking .

Its my earnest advice to ALL youngsters reading me ......DO NOT GO INTO MARRAIGE THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE WITH YOUR LOVE .

Human nature does NOT change . He or She may attempt to change in the new years of marraige but will slowly and surely go back to their roots and real nature . No one can change ANYONE . One can only change himself or herself .

If security is there , love follows automatically after soe time , do not over hype it . If u put ur mind to it , it happens just like any other thing . If u go into life thinking a shimmering feeling will overtake u from head to toe or something .........Well ..............I won't judge it and laugh at it [ I don't laugh at ANY thing .......each experience is true .}........if indeed u feel that way , good , but STILL theres no guarantee it will last forever .

Things change is the BLUNT fact of life . Feelings keep changing .

I LOVE security and the feeling of comfort and Non worry that security brings with it . A man who is capable of making me feel so secure , him I will LOVE . in TIME , if not immediately .Its ALL in My hands . Just as SEX is greatly over hyped as a wonderful experience with Sitar Music in background , LOVE is often over hyped by poets , literateurs and playwriters . The Truth is Sex can be a confusing experience and Love can easily Die just as it sprouted .


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Putturani



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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sat May 21, 2011 7:15 pm

So basically what everyone is saying is that you should go in with your eyes wide open, as far as possible - whether it be a "love" or "arranged" marriage. Ultimately there is little difference between a well-thought out love and arranged marriage. I mentioned two cases. In the first case, I think it's a blind move, exactly the type of love marriage kooldi warns about. But I think the second case is a relationship (not yet marriage!) entered into with all eyes open - the partners thinking about security, respect, similarities etc.

I agree that times have changed, so we need to change as well. Unlike in my grandmother's time, one cannot expect a young girl or guy to get married without even meeting their partner. Even in an arranged marriage the couple meet a couple of times. Unfortunately, today the reach of the media is so pervasive, that even if you want to avoid it, these romantic expectations and ideas come into your mind. We all watch movies, read books etc. and because of these we get an idealized picture of love and romance. Of course I am not advocating shutting yourself off from the world (I am a very keen reader and movie buff myself) but I think that us young people should be aware that somehow subconsciously we do have these expectations, and that fiction is different from reality. I find this hard to do - I will be watching a nice romantic show and when I finish I have to shake myself and put myself back in the real world.
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swati

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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sun May 22, 2011 1:23 am

I agree KD... LOVE is not everything but LOVE is important Smile
Di, I understant what you are trying to say about LOVE does not exist , but it does Smile
I have seen many love marriages being successful , they cannot survive if a thing called LOVE did not exist Smile
Love marriages too need basic thing which arrange marriages need Smile If it lacks those needs , obviously it would be miserable Smile

I agree on one part looks dont matter Smile We should fall in love with a person and not looks Smile

In arrange marriages a partner's behaviour , character , family are taken into consideration Smile If the same things are considered while being in love why wont they be successful Question
As Puttu said blind love is always dangerous , but if we have the determination, confidence and ability to face the worst situation then i guess even they can be successful Smile

If a person's concept of Love depends on what is shown in serial,films then i say the person is not behaving sensibly No
But if harsh realities too are accepted then there is no harm in falling in LOVE Smile
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polki_zofi



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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sun May 22, 2011 6:50 am

Yes kool, about that security (personality, character, behavior and commitment) you are absolutely correct. Infact, a girl and if she have a family then they should take utmost care in detection of these things in needed for a year or more. Careful in these issues are vital. Plus education and sincerety in all of it...

The misunderstanding towards security must've been on what I wanted to mean ... I wanted to mean that "The boy is rich, have a super-car & a luxury flat" is the security which cannot assure a successful marriage. A girl must dig deeper than that. To have a home, these things are bonuses but don't hold the superior importance against those attributes you and also I mentioned just above. Isn't it?

Would you disagree that some people (even in arranged marriages) become delusional on such matters as wealth? Would that really benefit if the other matters (the more "intangible" ones) are absent?

Should it not be a join effort? ... by the girl/boy or the parent?

Fact of the matter is that I don't know that much about Indian arranged marriages. But I saw one of my sister in law, which does seem to be good. The boy is a nice doctor, well behaved. His in laws are nice too ... but I think its harmless to say in here ... that my sister in law already looks forward to separate living ... which might not be what the boy's parents are prepared for? She (my sister in law) does give indications for it so immediate ... its just been few days Very Happy . Ofcourse they are a good couple and got to connect with each other through the extended marriage arrangements and every rituals... nice and colorful Smile. But I myself think it would be so better if those parents who gave birth to the lover could be respected and cared for too ... but its everyone's choice ofcourse.

About the American example: Its over my head really ... but its America, and may God bless America as they say Smile. All I can say is that in John it is said that God is Love, and all pure forms of Love are His reality ... in this case, keeping anything above it is very odd. Again, its over my head.

Love however, needs to evolve and grow with time, and no part of it is its fullness. Just being in love on part, and not the other, is very strange. Otherwise its like a paper rose, nicely shaped and perfumed ... static. But for love, it is as though a seed which unite with the fertile soil to germinate ... grow ... change form, and no stage being its most beautiful or less ... blossoming and with fruits giving life and turning into a new life ... continuing through all the seasons...in each a unique beauty. No such step in its life is more beautiful than the other.

In all these, we are looking at everything from a girl's perspective. What about the boy? Do you think that a boy would be ready to live with a girl just because his parents told him to do so? In this modern times? ... specially those who are exposed to more of the world than others? ... I wonder, maybe - maybe not?

I remember a thread in India Forums, she was a girl and she told a horrid tale about her arranged marriage. Did you see that? ... I felt very upset too. Maybe, a joint effort and some more time could've avoided it?

But, looking at it from the boy's perspective ... or calling them total "sex focused" would not really be right would it? ... I mean, not all of them are ... and genders cannot really be generalized like that. At the end of the day, we are all people (regardless of the genders).
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PostSubject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage   Sun May 22, 2011 9:44 am

I have seen many love marriages being successful , they cannot survive if a thing called LOVE did not exist


They survive bcoz of the HUMANITY . More the degree of this wonderful quality in a human being and greater the chances of survival .

After the first feelings of immense attraction wears off , and the children etc come in the picture .......The marraige or the bond between the two spouses literally srvives on the kindness , large heart and forgiving capacity of their nature .

I have seen arranged and love marraiges among childless couples surviving . Some of them adopt children coz one of the spouse wishes it ........some prefer not to adopt but live life in solid companionship . They Have so much humanity in them that they treat each other with immense kindness and respect . All this is termed as LOVE . Remember ......its not sex , children , attraction that holds them together . Its the deep understanding of each other's pain and an unwillingness to let go of the hand of the human being who is suffering as he or she cannot bring a life into this world due to a physical defect . Its Kindness . Insaaniyat . Humanity . The other spouse actually CAN have a child of his own , can remarry . He or she DOESN"T . He opts to UNDERSTAND the other human being's pain and stay by his or her side . Thats HUMANITY .

What u call as LOVE is actually this Humanity only . Love changes ..........early feelings of attraction etc wear off . But this basic humanity remains .Its eternal and never changing and the more u tap into it , the more ur capable of LOVING ur spouse or anyone around u .
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